Ask the Urban Dater: Why is Your Ex Calling/Texting You?
In other words, as Jack from Brooklyn so eloquently put it: “You’re gonna need a bigger boat.” That news was a little frustrating to take, but I have to look back at it and say, damn. That’s pretty effing cool! Taylor and I put in a lot of work, but so many people have contributed in order to make this site what it is and how it has grown. Again, I say, pretty effing cool! So, hosting the Urban Dater is a little more expensive now, but many of the issues that bugged me should be gone, such as slow performance and regular downtime. So who did we move to? WP-Engine (affiliate link). That’s who! Does WP-Engine Rock? Frickin’ Eh! The good folks over at WP-Engine have now been nothing but awesome in answering my questions regarding the Urban Dater site migration. In fact, you shouldn’t even notice a thing. Just that we’re faster, like the women my mama warned me about when she put me on the Turnip Truck to Tuscaloosa, Alabama this one summer in 82. If you’re a blogger and are serious about what you’re doing and you’re not satisfied with current host, you should definitely ping them.
They’re top class folks and have the Urban Dater Covered. Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading… Share This Article Facebook2Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Uncategorized Tagged in: technology Scrooge gets three less than wonderful ghosts for Chrstmas. Me? I get the A-hole above. FML! Christmas is coming.
I hope you stocked your stockings, bought your friend’s asshole kids toys they won’t know how to play with and sent your mom a gift certificate from Viking House Sweaters and send it off via Pony Express… I’m not sure if you noticed, but I’m not really in the Christmas spirit. That’s because I equate the holiday with a range poor decisions. Like that time I ate the Special no. 2, at Orochon, and then decided to go on an early morning jog, a day later, before “cleaning the pipes.” Or the time when I challenged Darth Vader to the Shell Game. Vader is such a dick! (I’d like to take this moment to state that my google analytics keywords are all over the effing place. I should really take care to focus. End rant). So eff Christmas. I am going to share with you a story epic in its scope of complete and total assholery. If you didn’t know I was a jerk and a bum, let this post once and for all put that question to rest… I was in the kitchen, brewing a pot of hatred for Christmas and a dash of pricky-ness, minding my own business.
The holidays were here and I couldn’t have been more annoyed. It’s during times like these that I take my brew, made with hate, down to the Vans skatepark and watch little kids eat shit, as they spill across the pavement fumbling trick after trick, botching fakies and munching kickflips and falling on their asses. You’d think I was the seed of Dr. House, what with all the abrasive feelings I’ve canned up for Christmas. I was immensely amused… Thoroughly happy with the range kids I saw who crashed and burned, I headed back to the “Piss and Vinegar Mobile” when unexpectedly I was bathed in a flash of light, which was followed by a crackling boom!! Had I been struck by thunder, I wondered to myself… Standing before me was a woman of interesting and forgettable features and an annoying high pitch cackle, crooked glasses, a big butt and a smile. This girl was poison. Not only that, she was the Ghost of Christmas Fail! The Ghost of Christmas Fail comes around to take toll for my trespasses against the women of the world, like that time I tricked my female assistant manager into calling 9-1-1… Twice. Yes, I was a frequent visit for the Ghost Christmas Fail… Ghost of Christmas Fail: Well, well, well. If it isn’t Twat-face O’Hoolihan! I see you’ve been contributing positively to your fellow human being once again. Alex: Oh for fucksake! You visited me last year, too. Did I not pay back my debt for that whole accidental donkey punching debacle? Ghost of Christmas Fail: Listen, jerk, don’t try to pull that accidental donkey punch excuse on me again!
Surveillance clearly proved that was no accident. Alex: Hey! I got mule kicked in the nuts, like ten times for that miscarriage of justice. You know, I have a suggestion for you. Ghost of Christmas Fail: And what would that be, fallout boy? Alex: Make sure you’ve finished cycling before… With yet another thunderous boom, before I could finish my deep-cutting insult, I was transported. Yes, transported through time. Sounds crazy, right? Well shut up your face! I’m telling the story hear, you turd!
7 Body Language Cues That Tell You She Is Getting Serious
I land on the floor, with a loud thud, with the Ghost of Christmas Fail to my left eating a bowl of ultra buttery garlic popcorn. She was transfixed on the scene playing out ahead. Ghost of Christmas Fail: You do recognize where you’re at, right?
Alex: I notice a crying woman. This could be any number of my first dates… So what’s your point? Ghost of Christmas Fail: Surprisingly this isn’t one of your first date mis-fires. This will be your 2nd post 5th date, date. That’s Nina. You remember her, don’t you? I was pretty confused using the whole concept of the 2nd post 5th date, date nonsense, but you can bet your Nana’s knickers that I remembered Nina. It was only a year ago, but I remember our time together very well. It’s a time I wasn’t proud to be me… Which never happens! She sat at the foot of my bed, tears carrying mascara down the sides of her face; uncontrollably sobbing.
This was awkward, for sure. No, no, this woman, Nina, hadn’t given me a blow job and we didn’t have sex… yet. So why was she crying? Realizing a pat on the back or a fist bump wasn’t going to cut it, I panicked. The words “ I love you” built a head of steam and escaped my lips and made a run for Nina’s anxiously waiting ears. Shit! Nina looked up from the palm of her hands and tackled me with a hug, which was followed by snuggling and then coitus. Yes, I said coitus! Don’t judge me! You see, Nina and I had dated for all of about a month. She had professed her love for me, after a week of being shitty to me and pushing me away because she didn’t know how to reconcile her feelings with my own. From that point on, we talked more than a few times every day. Each conversation ending with “I love you.” I created a monster, born from my inability to not be a puss about the situation and just tell the woman like it was.
When we had sex, it wasn’t just sex to her; we were making (gulp) love!! With each passing moment it became more and more clear I needed to defuse the situation. Ghost of Christmas Fail: Is this where you become a jerk again? Alex: … Die! The following weekend, I’d helped Nina move a new couch up to her top floor apartment. By the way, ladies, stop buying top floor apartments and then have your poor and naive friends help you move heavy shit to that top floor. Anyway, I was exhausted, yet Nina was ready to work it out over sex. I just wasn’t interested, not in the slightest. I was bothered because I knew that this girl loved me and while I liked her, I didn’t love her and it was manifesting itself in a number of ways.
Most notably, this charade I was putting up was just numbing me to every emotion I had for this person. It made me distant and an otherwise lousy sex partner. “No, Nina, I’m just tired. Sorry,” I stated. Nina knew something was wrong and she called me out on it. At that point I took a few deep breaths and confessed that I actually didn’t love her. Her reaction, you ask… Well, she tried to slap me and managed to kick me off the bed. With a loud thud ( it seems that I make a lot of thuds in this story, no?), I picked myself up, put on my clothes. I attempted to apologize, however, Nina didn’t need to hear me tell her how great she is and she’ll find another dude. She knows that. Most any woman does and really they don’t want to be bothered with some dude taking pity on them. Everybody else lies, but Dr. House is about the only expert that can be shitty to someone and save their life all at the same time. I have no such skills, therefore it’s in my best interests to not be shitty to people, I suppose. Ghost of Christmas Fail: How are you going to atone for this little slice of freshly baked hell, hmm? Alex: Freshly baked hell??? This took place over a year ago!!
Why do you have to wait until Christmas to be an asshole? Ghost of Christmas Fail: My doctor told me that, as a part of my personal development, I should do something nice for myself everybody else once in a while. Making you feel like a shit bag is one of those “things” that I do that puts a smile on my face, you see. Alex: You know, I’d really like to sit in with you during your next therapy sesh. I’m sure you’re the poster kid of all things stable. Ghost of Christmas Fail: Suck on my bunions. My work here is done. Alex: What work!?? All you did was make me feel like an asshole! Ghost of Christmas Fail: Awww. Don’t be all whiney and stuff.
I really hate when you go all Mr. Frumpy frump. Look at it this way, if you feel like an asshole, it’s likely that you understood you did something wrong. Right? Alex: I hate you! Speaking of which, have you ever hear the joke about the woman with the two black eyes? Another thundering boom and crackle and I was back to my own reality. Back in an empty parking lot. All the shitty skateboarder kids had gone home, presumably to lick the wounds that come with sucking at life and failing at the Vans skate park… Yep. I’m a douche. The car ride home took longer than usual. All I could think of was what kind of dick I was to tell a woman that I loved her when I really didn’t.
Why did I do that? I was too much of a sissy to tell her to her when it mattered most. I was afraid of hurting her and, well, being hurt as well. Doing the right thing is never easy and we can find examples of this in every day life, too. I once saw a girl try to catch a bee to set it free outside, she managed to get stung in the process.
Nice reward, eh? That’s really the lesson I learned. Even when you do the right thing, you’re still going to get stung. How long do you want to delay the inevitable… Answer that one for yourself, please. You don’t want to get visited by the Ghost of Christmas Fail, like I did… Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading… Share This Article Facebook1Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Dating & Relationships, Special Tagged in: lies, love Human beings always want what they don’t have instead of appreciating what they’ve got. We are always focused on our lack of something in the place of our abundance of something. We always want what someone else has in the place of enjoying what we have. We are always comparing our stuff to someone else’s stuff. We are always thinking “If I only had this, that, and most especially him, I would be happy.
This wanting creates a longing that keeps you from enjoying all the abundance you have right now in your life while being single. Don’t get me wrong, it’s lovely to have someone in your life. It’s lovely to have someone to share special moments, secrets, affection, and sexy time. And I know plenty of people that are in relationships who are absolutely lonely, longing for single-hood, and solitude – which speaks to my point again. It’s not about being single or in a relationship. It’s about enjoying the status you have right now. Right now, I am single, and I have to admit, I adore it! I actually love where I am right at this moment. That’s not to say if Mr.
Right ( in the flavor of Dwayne Johnson, Daniel Craig or Shamar Moore) rolled up and looked into my eyes, I wouldn’t ride happily into the sunset with him. And I do mean ride . . . lol! But, there is absolutely no reason to bitch, moan, and wine in the meantime. It is my intention, to enjoy every bit of my single-dom until I am finally found by couple-hood, and take residence in the house at the end of the block with the white picket fence – or in my case a penthouse condo with a view of the beach! So you might ask, what is there to appreciate about being alone; about not having a date on every major holiday; about not having a date every Friday night. I say plenty! 1 – Appreciate your own company! I can’t stress this one enough. You are never alone if you enjoy being with you. If YOU can’t stand being with you, why would anyone else want to be with you?
So many of us can’t spend 15 minutes alone with ourselves. We are on our cell phones, emailing, in chat rooms, online dating services, hanging on to friends, family, co-workers, and basically anyone who will put up with us until it’s time to go to bed. Then we can fall asleep and not think about the fact we are doing it alone. Personally, I enjoy being with me! I do what I like, when I like, with or without people. I don’t wait for someone to see the latest movie or try that new restaurant or gallery opening. I just go. And in the process I’ve got to admit, I’ve met some pretty great people – women and men – by venturing out, alone. I do things alone by choice. I’ve met so many people, and get so many invitations, I actually have to create space to be alone. And it is a choice, not chore. And even if there aren’t any invitations this week, and no one I know really enjoys salsa dancing, I go alone and still have a blast! 2 – Appreciate not having to fairly share your space with someone. I can’t tell you how much I enjoy coming home not having to pick up, clean up, check in, follow up, coordinate with someone about what I do and what I want.
There is nothing like the freedom of coming home, eating ice cream out of the carton, taking the last piece of chicken, not having to pick up or step over dirty underwear, or clean up dishes in the sink. There is nothing like ordering a pizza with all of MY favorite toppings and not worrying about if he wants to watch a chick flick tonight or the game! I like making my bed each and every day, keeping my place neat, having control of the remote, not tripping over giant shoes, and having privacy to keep in touch with my girlfriends about girl stuff without having to leave the room. Having my place to myself rocks! 3 – Appreciate not having to deal with his people. Everyone has dated someone who’s inner circle and you just didn’t mesh. His mother may have been controlling, his sister a mooch, his brother a drama king, his father is a flirt, friends that never leave and are totally unsupportive, cousins that just drop in unannounced, co-workers that constantly dump on him, or this one friend that just gives you the creeps. When you’re just dating or single, you deal with who you want when you want. You make I clear who’s welcome in your space and who’s not. If you are uncomfortable, you decline the invitation. There are no expectations for you to do anything you don’t want to. If you are ‘just dating,” even the guy will say “we don’t have to go if you don’t want to.” How awesome is that!! 4 – Appreciate that don’t have to shave, wax, or perform other grooming that can be hidden by clothing. I hate shaving, waxing, plucking, bleaching, combing, curling, etc. When you are single, I adore getting back to the basics – a fresh face, easy hair (my stylish pony tail or curly waves), comfy clothes (leggings and sweats or other soft gear), and minimal make up.
Not that I do way too much more than that when I’m with a man in terms of makeup and my hair, but the waxing and shaving drive me crazy. Even if I pay someone to do it, you still have to keep up with it and honestly it’s not the most pleasant of sensations one can experience with someone else is touching you. And certainly will I be honest – I’ve considered the amount of grooming I’ve had to do, compared to the excitement I had for the date. If I had to shave, wax, or flat iron something to get ready, and I wasn’t excited about him – well let’s just say, I remained hairy and dateless . . . lol! 5 – Appreciate the opportunity to meet and enjoy all types of men. When you are single, you meet the most amazing people, men and women. But I have really had an opportunity to generally meet and enjoy some really fascinating men from all walks of life, in all colors, shapes, and sizes. It has really given me an opportunity to appreciate men on a lot of different levels. I am able to appreciate the honorable men who wanted to protect me; the intellectual men, who can explain the most complex topic in a way that I am able to understand and process; the sensual men who are affectionate and love to touch me and demonstrate their desire for me; the sexual men who embrace their masculinity; the sensitive men who have read me poetry and feed me food; the artistic men who play music for me or cooked for me; and the men who were fathers and supported my choices as a single parent. And it also allowed me to see all men are “not alike”, “not dogs”, and “not players;” that most men are just like women – wanting love, connection, and affection. Yes, yes and positively yes! 6 – Appreciate hanging out with your ladies. When women get involved with men they usually get on “the man’s train” so to speak.
You have to catch them when you can. I adore hanging out with my ladies, having girl talk, watching chick flicks, shopping, lunching, spa-ing, and so many other things you can only do with women. We need both a balance of feminine and masculine energy in our lives and we crave it when we don’t have it. So many of my married, coupled friends will say “I needed this,” or “I miss this,” and yet they don’t give it to themselves. As a single woman you can create all kinds of fun and exciting things your ladies will love to do. It will strengthen your relationship – if you are in one – and create a ton of fun for you, if you’re not. 7 – Appreciate not being financially tied to someone. I adore spending my money the way I want to spend my money.
If I want to do a spa day, I do it. If I want a new outfit, I buy it. If I want to blow it all on black in Vegas, I blow it. That’s not to say I am financially irresponsible, but it’s nice to be able to spend money on curtains, a nice dining room table, or a trip, in the place of a play station and a vibrating man chair – ok the vibrating man chair has some redeeming qualities – but you get the point. 8 – Appreciate having the time to work on you. You have time to get over the past, let go of past dramas and traumas, and say good bye to those limiting opinions about men and relationships once and for all! You have time to get counseling, coaching, group therapy, pray, chant, journal, kick boxing and whatever else it takes to rid yourself of any residue of past relationships. Beat your daddy-issues, your abandonment issues, move past your stories about men being liars and cheaters. Let go of your stories about the types of men you like and the types of men you don’t like i.e. your type; stories about men being “no-good”, stories about “all men being dogs”. You have the time to let your shit go!
Once that’s purged and a clean new space emerges, you write a new story about you being loved and loving; about being amazing and worthy; a story where men appreciate you and you appreciate them. You’ll have time and space to empower yourself and how to set and honor boundaries with men, with people for that matter. And you’ll have to notice that when treat yourself well – like you matter – men will too. 9 – Appreciate creating a life you love. This is a great time to follow your bliss and pursue your dreams. Now is the time to go after the promotion, make partner, renovate your condo, get that degree or certification, make a career change. Or, if you already have the job of your dreams, create the social life of your dreams. Get together with friends, throw parties, attend parties, take cruises, join a few MeetUps and meet new like-minded people – maybe even a few cool like-minded men.
Or, if you already have the social life of your hopes and dreams, enrich everything. Finally take those cooking classes you’ve been dreaming of, start that business, sign up for ballroom dancing, take those music or voice lessons you’ve been talking about forever.